1. always smile
if you're out canvassing or if your getting your picture taken for posters or whatever, ensure you smile. the right kind of smile can make people think you're approachable, nice, professional, bright, intelligent, working for them, and a man of the people. doesnt matter what your real personality is like or what deeds you've done in the past - a smile can convince voters you're the right man for the job.
enda kelly has got the best political smile ive seen for a long time
im suave and sophisticated. im very approachable and i like to drink tea in your house.
you can tell he's worked on it for a long time. a true master of the smile.
2. talk about changes
in your manifesto and when you appear on tv or a doorstep, you've go to mention the word "changes" at least 2000 times. when you're doing a party political broadcast you can also insert a frame every few seconds with the word "changes" on it (subliminal messaging).
doesnt really matter what you say you will change - change crime figures, change the hospital bed situation, change the colour of the sky, change your underwear, change your countries geographical position, change your car etc etc. and it doesnt matter what you do when you get in power - you dont have to do anything just keep mentioning the "c" word.
your party slogan of course will be "bring about changes". the combination of step 1, the smile and the aforementioned slogan can be devastating and can leave the competition far behind in popularity.
3. brown envelopes
money talks or in irish politics brown envelopes do the talking. and remember if you end up in a tribunal, just deny everything. and if that still doesnt work, and you lose your job and credibility, wait a year, and revert back to steps 1 and 2 of this list, and the public will be sure to vote for you again. once they see your smiling face on those big posters, everything will be forgotten.
4. Avoid the question
this can be a difficult step for a lot of politicians to master. most masters are old and experienced politicians. it doesnt mean that you avoid every question asked of you. on the contrary, you can answer most questions effectively by using step 2. The trick is to know which questions to avoid - called the "dangerous questions". if these questions arent answered right, your career could be finished.
what you have to do is pretend the interviewer asked a different question, one that was slightly related to the original question, and answer that. this pretend question has to be a safe question and therefore your answer can also be a safe one. it can get quite complex and you have to be on your toes, especially if the interviewer is a master and spots what you're doing - and on live tv.
padraig flynn tripped up badly on this step. in an interview on the late late show he dissed a friend of his, who had given him a brown paper bag. that would have being ok had his friend not being watching the show, got pissed and then ratted on flynn. Flynn's political career never recovered. he tried with step 1 "the smile" but couldnt carry it off as the smarmyness and sneakiness still shone through.
5. live in luxury
a politician should live in a palace, have horses, expensive paintings, large grounds, a few private jets etc. just like in roman times. these items can be paid for by brown paper bags and the taxpayer. the king of the luxury in irish politics was:
charlie. the man did so much when he was in power - he brought in some artists bill and free transport for the elderly. he lived the high life. whenever he was faced with scandal, tribunals and inquiries etc etc, he just reverted back to all 5 steps here and each time succeeded in winning the hearts of the irish public who duly voted him back in.
a true master and legend.
thats it. just follow these steps and you're on your way. im sure ardal will be showing these steps in his next programme.
No comments:
Post a Comment